


you never really choose who you love and who you hurt

by zalddow



Category: BTOB
Genre: M/M, So much angst, idek, it hurt me writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 20:51:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10579263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zalddow/pseuds/zalddow
Summary: “Sungjae.”“What?”“Can’t we just go back to normal?”“I don’t know.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i'm back with angst! i started this like a month ago i think??? and i just managed to finish it now. i'm not proud of this and it's pretty messy like all my writings but it just needed to get it out my system. main couple is iljae with abit of changjae and hoonsik on the side, hopefully someone likes it!

“Is it okay if you sleep at Hyunsik-hyung’s tonight?”

Ilhoon sighs. Silly of him to think that these favors would end soon.

He could easily refuse, though. He could easily say no, I don’t want to. Hyunsik-hyung’s not my roommate, you are. I don’t wanna spend the night with him, I wanna be with you. Sungjae would understand, Sungjae cares about him and he would understand.

“It’s fine.” And Sungjae’s face just lights up.

Honestly, why should Ilhoon be the reason that that smile doesn’t make an appearance?

“Thanks, hyung. I promise this’ll be the last time, Changsub-hyung finally got some time off and, well, you know.”

He always says it’s the last time but it never was. He always says him and Changsub barely have time to spend together and yet he keeps asking him to sleep somewhere else so they can have the apartment to themselves.

Ilhoon forces a smile on his face, it’s become second nature to him.

–

“Again?” Hyunsik asks him from the couch, frowning.

“Apparently.” Ilhoon drops his bag and joins Hyunsik on the couch, finding it easy to rest his head on his lap, already feeling his chest hurt from the way Hyunsik cards his fingers in his hair.

“Well,” Hyunsik smiles. “You’re always welcome here.”

Ilhoon remembers all the times he came over, all the times Hyunsik brushed his hair out of his face when he thinks he’s asleep, all the times he woke up to Hyunsik singing songs about longing and the pain of a love that goes unnoticed.

Ilhoon’s chest hurts again.

He falls asleep when Hyunsik starts to sing again, thinking of large hands and a loud laugh when he wishes he could’ve thought of sweet eyesmiles and soft giggles.

–

Sungjae was the first person that ever made Ilhoon laugh, the first person to actually listen to his ramblings, the first person who understood him, the first person who saw him cry.

Sungjae was also the first person that Ilhoon was sure of.

–

Sungjae met Changsub in college.

Ilhoon was startled when Sungjae went into his bedroom one afternoon with a huge smile on his face, talking about a guy he met in the library.

“Hyung, he was awesome. He’s so weird and adorable at the same time. I didn’t get to do any of my schoolworks but I didn’t actually mind.” Sungjae grinned as he explained of a guy named Lee Changsub, a guy who sat with him in the library because there was nowhere else to sit, a guy who asked Sungjae out.

Ilhoon felt like the room was shrinking, he couldn’t breathe properly. Sungjae’s smile always left him breathless but not like this.

Sungjae, who had this look in his eyes that Ilhoon’s always wanted to be directed at him, continued to babble about how Changsub had the cutest cheeks, unaware of his best friend who’s heart feels like it’s being ripped apart.

–

“Hi, Ilhoon. Hyunsik’s in the shower.”

Changsub smiled at him from the couch, he was reading some sheet music. Him and Hyunsik were in the same department and were pretty close, so his presence at Hyunsik’s apartment isn’t a new thing.

Changsub is everywhere in his life and he doesn’t know what the world wants to tell him.

Ilhoon toed off his shoes and goes straight to the spare bedroom. He comes back out with his bag to see Changsub looking at him curiously. “It’s fine, I just came to pick up some things. Hyung already knows I’m gonna come over.”

“Ah, right.” Changsub rubbed the back of his neck. “Listen, I’m sorry if Sungjae keeps asking you to sleep over here. He’s still pretty shy about staying over at my place even if I keep telling him it’s fine.”

Ilhoon sits on the other side of the couch, folds the shirt he left from last night and puts it in his bag, he can practically feel Changsub’s smile. “It’s okay, I don’t really mind. Plus hyung cooks so I don’t have to eat takeout whenever I’m here.”

Changsub laughs. “Still, he shouldn’t have kicked you out.”

Ilhoon wishes he could hate him.

–

Ilhoon met Hyunsik on a Saturday.

He was at the grocery store, silently debating on what color dye would look better. His roots were getting too long. He was stuck between a sort of bleached blonde or just dying his hair black again.

After taking a while, he finally settled with blonde, but apparently he took too long because someone else grabbed the box before him.

“Ah, sorry. Were you gonna get this?”

Ilhoon found himself staring at one of the most good looking men he’d seen in a while. His hair was a light shade of brown – with the roots growing long, almost as long as his – and he had a soft smile on his face, his eyes turning into crescents. He had a nice build, broad shoulders and looked like he had quite some muscle despite it being hidden underneath a soft gray sweater.

“It’s yours.” He grabbed the box of black hair dye. “I wanted this.”

The man grinned, and Ilhoon could feel his heart clench. “Black would suit you.”

“Maybe.”

“It would.” The man rubbed the back of his neck, and with a sheepish smile, he said, “Im Hyunsik.”

Ilhoon smiled. “Jung Ilhoon.”

“Nice to meet you, Jung Ilhoon.”

Ilhoon was never a social person, Sungjae was the first friend he’d ever made and he met him in the third grade. He never really talks to people, always opting for small smiles and brushing people of whenever they tried to engage him in conversation. The first time he smiled at Sungjae was almost a month after they met.

Hyunsik made him talk and smile within ten minutes of meeting each other.

–

“Hyung, sometimes I wish it was you.”

Hyunsik smiled at him sadly. “I know.”

–

“Look who remembered he had an apartment.”

Sungjae toed off his shoes and went straight to the couch where Ilhoon was sitting, immediately lying horizontally and laying his head on Ilhoon’s lap.

“Hyung.” Sungjae’s fingers were drawing circles on Ilhoon’s knee, it was only mildly distracting. “I’m sorry.”

Ilhoon only looked straight at the show playing on their television. “It’s fine. I’m a grown man, I can handle myself.”

“But it’s not, though.” Sungjae turned over and looked at him. “I know you hate being alone, and I know you always bump into the counter in the kitchen unless I warn you, I know you hate cooking so you’ve only been ordering in.”

Ilhoon looked down at Sungjae, with his eyes filled with so much emotion that it makes Ilhoon want to run away. Sungjae knows him more than anyone and yet he also doesn’t.

“I can cope.” Ilhoon forces a smile on his face. “It’s not like I need you to survive, you know. Sure, having you here is great, but knowing you’re out there having fun with someone you like? That’s even better.”

And somehow, Ilhoon knows it’s true. He loves Sungjae, he loves him so much. And it hurts, sure. It hurts that Sungjae’s happy with someone who isn’t him, but he loves him so much that all he really wants is for him to be happy.

Sungjae frowns. “Okay. But I promise to try and spend more time with you, you’re my best friend and I feel like I’m never here for you.”

Ilhoon pats Sungjae’s head and looks back at the television. “Sure, kiddo. You can start with cooking for me, I’m starving.”

Sungjae laughs and Ilhoon ignores how his chest tightens.

–

It takes another two weeks before Sungjae figures it out.

Ilhoon’s at a cafe with Hyunsik, silently doing his assignments over a cup of coffee with just a little bit too much sugar.

He was highlighting a few sentences when Hyunsik snapped his fingers in his face.

“What?”

Hyunsik only pointed in the direction of the door, where Sungjae and Changsub walked through, hand in hand.

Sungjae already saw him, smiling and about to walk over.

Ilhoon must’ve forgotten to mask the hurt in his eyes because Sungjae stopped in his tracks, eyes widening and smile falling from his face.

Ilhoon felt his nails digging into his palms as he realized what was going on.

He only offered a weak smile, tried to ignore the way Sungjae was looking at him. It was a look of pure apology and pain, a look that he never wanted to see on Sungjae’s face.

Ilhoon sank back in his seat as Sungjae pulled Changsub out of the cafe, picking up his highlighter and trying not to let himself cry.

Hyunsik only hooked his ankle around his and passed him the rest of his cookie. Ilhooon looked up and saw so much emotion in Hyunsik’s eyes that he was sure that a tear rolled down his cheek.

“Hey.” Hyunsik wiped his cheeks, smiled at him. “You’ll be fine.”

Ilhoon wanted to believe him.

–

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“But you did, and it’s okay. I just want us to go back to normal. You’re my best friend. Didn’t you said before you wanted to be here for me? Why are you being like this?”

“Because I feel guilty! I knew something was up with you but I ignored it, told myself you were fine even if I knew you were not. And the worst part is I was the one who was making you hurt like that!”

“Sungjae.”

“What?”

“Can’t we just go back to normal?”

“I don’t know.”

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is appreciated! feel free to tell me if my characterizations are off and if there were mistakes. nevertheless thank you for giving it a chance! ♡


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